Understand
Understanding Others
How To Play
Whose behaviour do you want to understand better?
For each card, choose the colour you think fits what they might be experiencing.
Behaviour that looks difficult often signals one or more needs in Orange or Red. What might they need in order for more CARDS to rise to Green, giving them capacity to be their best selves? On the other hand, existing Green CARDS can show what they're getting out of choices that are otherwise hard to understand.
The behaviour you see may be a signal, not a character trait.
Competence
What they can do; capability; mastery; understanding.
Autonomy
Their choices; agency; being themselves without masking.
Relatedness
Belonging; connection; love; "we are together".
Dignity
Respect; fair treatment; freedom from shame; being seen.
Safety
Freedom from danger; physical/emotional security; comfort.
Observation Summary
Observe someone's behaviour. Which of their CARDS might be in Red?
Could I be the problem here?
This is a brave question. Sometimes the person trying to understand is also part of the pattern. These prompts are not accusations - they are invitations to look honestly.
- Is there anything you might be doing, even unintentionally, that puts pressure on their needs?
- Could something about your expectations, reactions, or habits be affecting how they feel?
- Is it possible that meeting your own needs in this situation - for connection, cooperation, compliance, or respect - is coming at a cost to theirs?
- If this person could speak freely and without consequence, what might they say about your role in what is happening?
- When your own CARDS feel urgent, it can be easy to overlook theirs. What are your CARDS right now?
- This is worth sitting with gently. You do not have to answer all of these. Even asking the question takes courage.